It all started when I was on my morning jog around the city. It was a foggy morning and I was very sleepy. All of a sudden I tripped on my shoelaces, and fell with a splash as my face hit a dark blue puddle. That was weird, the puddle had electronic signals in it... but anyway... I went out cold. I awoke to find my eyes clouded. I must have been out for quite some time.
There was a very smelly, dirty, hobo standing over me. "Wake up Neo... the Mathrix has you..." he said, while staring right at me. I looked around. All around me were these giant steel buildings. People everywhere, all holding mini computers, constantly asking them questions. I looked again at the hobo.
"Who are you? And who's this Neo character?" He looked scared all of a sudden.
"I haven't much time, so I must be brief, the agents are after me, listen carefully Neo..."
"But my name is..."
"Neo, yes, I know, anyway, listen, you believe it to be the year 2000, when it is actually closer to the year 3000. You have a gift Neo. You know that there is something wrong with the world... you can feel it... you are the one... or two, or five, we don't really know numbers, but we do know that you are here to show us the way.. uh-oh, here they come... I must go now... bye!" and with that, he jumped out in front of a double decker bus. Whoa, that guy was crazy.
I walked along the street, and then realized that I had no money... so I went into the bank. I walked in,expecting to see a line and some stupid cashier, but found only a computer. I went up to it.
"Hello. I am Laura, your ATM for today. For what are you here?"
"Uh, is anyone working here today? This is too weird for me."
Suddenly, this girl came out from behind the ATM, and approached me."What do you want? Can't you just ask her? It's not that hard..."
"Uh, hi. I just want 40 bucks..."
he girl looked puzzled. She went over to the ATM and said "forty bucks". Just then, the ATM went crazy, and started spewing 20's all over the place.
"Jeez, sorry, you will have to just come back later or something man."
"That's OK," I said. "Just give me two twenties."
Yet again, the girl had no idea of what I had just said. "What? Two isn't forty, stupid!"
"No, I just want two twenties, you know, twenty plus twenty is forty?"
She now looked like she was going to have a seizure from thinking so hard. "Listen buddy, get out of my store with all of your devil mind games... NOW!"
"But, but, but..." She then pushed a panic button, and the whole room was filled with soldiers, and then this girl, dressed in all black came in, and with one move, knocked them all out, including the annoying stupid clerk.
"Thanks, that had to be the most stupid and pointless human being on this Earth." I said, but then she pulled me out of the office, and into a dark car. "What's going on?" I said frantically.
"Listen Neo, you think that..."
"And another thing, my name is..."
"Neo, that's what I said, anyway, did you wonder why that lady in there seemed so confused, Neo?"
"I don't know, just the thought she had one of those learning disorders or something... boy was she stupid, if only I had a penny for every person like her I..."
"You would have over a trillion pennies, Neo. That's what I'm trying to say. You are caught in the Mathrix, you see, in the year 2,532, robots took over the Earth. It was the human's fault though, for they created these robots. You see, they put everyone in the world to sleep, and then took every ounce of math knowledge out of their brains so we had to rely on the computers 100%. But that is all going to change."
"Wait, do you know that hairy hobo who threw himself in front of the bus?"
The girl looked down sadly. "Yes, that was our leader, Matheus. He got the agent's attention by bringing you into our world."
"Agents? What the heck are agents?"
"Agents are the only real people in the Mathrix. When the robots took over, some individuals wanted places of power."
" Suddam Husein, Keanu Reeves, Mickey Rooney, you know, crazies like that."
"So, how did I fall into this whole jumble of a mess?" I asked.
"You, have the gift. You are the only one on Earth with the ability to do any kind of mathematical problem."
"Whoa!" I couldn't believe my ears. I was the best at math in the entire world. Heck, I didn't even pass 5th grade multiplication. This was awesome! "So, how exactly are we gonna use this gift of mine?"
"We shall free all of the minds for this country!"
"Oh, I see. Wait, what's your name again?"
"Oh, but wait, why are we only freeing this country?"
"So we can take over everywhere else dummy! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
"Wait a minute, your not Trigonometry at all, your, your..."
Slowly, she pulled off her mask to reveal ... MICKEY ROONEY! "Ha ha ha ha, now I know all of your secrets!"
I thought about this for a second and then said, "Wait, no you don't. You told me all of MY secrets, stupid!"
Mickey looked puzzled for a moment and then..."D'oh! well, then, Mr. Neo, you have to die now!" He stopped the car in the middle of a seven lane highway.
"What now?" I said. "It's as easy as two plus two right?"
Mickey looked horrified. "Uh...two...plus...two..." He began to contort and looked like he couldn't breath. His face started to turn purple. It was then that I realized my full power. With lightning speed, my plan took shape.
"899,900 times 679!" I said. Mickey's eyes were starting to roll, then his head got really hot, and exploded. Then the car exploded, just as I jumped out the window. I then went up to a pay phone. I picked it up. I touched the operator connection.
"Hello, what location sir?"
"White House, please." It started ringing. When it was picked up, I heard a low, male voice say, "Hello."
I replied, "As you take this call, the revolution is beginning. When I hang up this phone, I am going to show these people a world they have never seen. I am going to show them a world with limitless math and thinking. I will show them a world without you." I then hung up.
Suddenly, the people on the streets, in the stores, and in the cars, dropped their handheld computers, and started doing everything by hand. I had one word for what my actions had just caused, "WHOA!"
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